You ever look in the mirror and wonder, “who the hell is that?” Seems every day my beard gets a little grayer, my skin a little worse, my body a little more exhausted. I’m trying to age gracefully but the thought of death has been living rent free in my mind since my younger brother passed two years ago and the signs of time passing don’t provide much comfort.
To be fair, things have been better the last few months. I’m getting good sleep, waking up earlier, showing up in all aspects of my life. In a lot of ways, I feel on top of things, and have a lot that is going well for me. I think I’m a pretty good dad most days, I try to be a good husband, I’ve made a good home for my family, I’m making advances in my career.
Still, I have lost a lot of myself since becoming a father a little over 4 years ago. My life is so focused on others that it’s hard to ignore that I often don’t recognize myself anymore, not just physically but also in spirit. I am no longer a naive young man with too much to say, I’m a middle aged guy unsure that he has anything to say at all.
I know that this is just part of parenthood and that things will never be the same. I also know that I’m in the thickest, deepest part of these woods just given my two kids’ ages. I don’t take for granted that they will never be this age again. I really do try to pour myself into this life and enjoy it at the same time. I’m happy nearly every single day. I find moments of peace and pleasure in small things. I don’t wish this time away for anything.
Sometimes, I just wish we had a little more help. I just know that I need to block out more intentional time for myself.