I feel like I'm a robot.  Not in the trendy way, either.
Routine. Zeep. Zip. Beep. Boink.
And coaxing myself and others into thinking that I'm strong isn't going to hold up much longer, I feel.  The ruse is going to break.  I'd just like someone else to be strong for me for a couple of days.  Maybe so I can just build my strength back up.  Like how a diver needs to come up for air, or to refill his tank, or whatever.  At risk of being pushed outside the realm of men I'll quite frankly state that I need someone to hold me in my bed without the relationship stresses or sex or whatever.  Someone that just makes me feel like I'm alive, that things are ok, and that there are people who care about me.  As a reminder.  Because I know these things are true, I just sometimes need to be reminded.  Lately I haven't been reminded very often.

This winter has been damned dreary.  It started out with a kick/hoorah, then it just kind of fizzled.  The other day it was -30 with windchill.  That's ok.  Whatever.  I live in Michigan, I can deal with it.  Then the snow.  And the clouds that block out the life-giving sun.  Then my dog Eddie Dies.  The saddest little thing ever.  But it's alright, he was sick, and it was his time. 

Then one of my Profs dropped my final grade from a 3.5 to a 3.0, not because I wasn't a good student, but because I missed some days of class.  I outperformed virtually everyone in class and that bastard wants to play god??  If you're reading this Dr, fuck you. I didn't go to class because you didn't teach me anything.  The grades I get are from what I already know or from what I teach myself.  Sad day when people pay all this money for a paper that says, "Hey, I know how to show up!"  Whatever. I'm a hypocrite, si.

And now Erica leaves for Hawaii in a week or so.  The one person I've connected with in over 2 years is now gone.  Who knows, maybe I'll follow her there.

Yes, there's an Idea.