the chill goes all the way to the bone tonight. hemingway in a dull corner of my room with my thoughts in northern italy and my music from iceland. i don't know what has been going on lately with me because for the most part i have been satisfied, or maybe just numb and ill-perceptive of my real feelings. i don't know where i want to be but i'm pretty sure i don't want to be here anymore. no, i don't want to be here anymore. i've picked up and left far too many times though and the next time i go somewhere, i'd like to settle in and be there for a while. this place has no spirit, no dreams. i've been asking complete strangers questions. "haven't you ever wanted to see the world?" or "wouldn't you like to live somewhere else?". the most common answers are usually, "why would i want to leave my home", or "i guess i've never thought about it.". maybe that's just the problem. i don't feel like i belong here anymore. i used to. kind of at least. the only thing attaching me to this place is money and family. i could leave and never come back if it weren't for them. if a meteor killed them all, i'd leave and stay where ever it is i go.

i'd also like a friend that appreciates me. doesn't take advantage of me. stands by my side. and of course theres love. i see a lot of people just mingling, swapping, sleeping around. i just can't do that. maybe i'll regret it when i'm old, but if i can't respect a person's mind, i cannot sleep with them. i physically cannot do it without being sickened with myself, sick to my stomach. and quite honestly, i haven't found anyone that i respect. i mean, i treat everyone pleasantly, but that doesn't mean i have to necessarily like them. it's kind of like eating what you're given to eat when you're starving to death. even if it does happen to be seafood or mushrooms.

i feel like i can't focus on today because my mind is always retrospective of good times or i'm looking prospective to things that i'd like to see happen. i often look back and i cannot for the life of me remember entire blocks of my life. because i wasn't living it. i was reliving or dreaming. i just don't think that can be healthy. but in my defense, its hard to make the best of things when theres no opportunity. and of course everyone offers up there advice. "why don't you get a job doing…" or "i know what would be perrrrfect for you…". they have no idea. i don't want to get stuck like they have. sure, everybody needs a little money to do things, to pay bills, etc, but quite frankly its not all that important to me. i'd rather be somewhere i love, at rock bottom, working my way up slowly and enjoying myself. stability really does seem appealing these days though. oh, sure, i'd love a brand new car and house and maybe a gal at my side, but is it worth the deficit? the obligation? the end? i don't think so. i'll just wait and do my time and watch the people i know get stuck, and i'll stay slow and steady, without the need for a more comfortable life right now. and when they're divorced and giving half their money to child support and half of their belongings to the significant other, i'll be laughing internally. i'm a cynical little bastard. and theres only one of them that i'd let sleep on my couch. but i don't think i'd let him get himself into that sort of mess in the first place.
funny who sticks with you when you're really in need.