I can't help but feel a bit cheated. Pissed off. Half of me is you, though I don't know which half. Maybe the stubbornness and laziness or maybe the half that's always in the clouds dreaming of my next big break.

I never got the chance to find out.

With your eviscerated body came the same fate of my soul. Did you not see my eyes as a child and how they questioned "Why, why, why?!" These blue eyes that you gave to me. What went through your mind when you drove off with me chasing after, legs pumping with the hysteria of being left behind. Did you laugh at the sight of your son in the rear-view or did it make you so sick that you dared not look? I almost caught you that day, I'll have you know, and let's be glad for your sake that I didn't, for you would have felt the fury of those tiny fists and all that had been bottled would have poured from my body. I would have murdered you myself that day.

Many years have passed and I've redefined my definition of what it means to be a "man", though I'm still struggling to find myself. The truth is now, that I would not be the person I am today if you HAD been in my life. I am proud of who I have become, though my feats are few and many questions and uncertainties still remain. The labyrinth of life, I'm finding, has no right or wrong answer and all too often we concentrate on the crux, the struggle instead of focusing on love for life itself.

I never thought I'd grow up before you, but even as it were, I always thought you'd grow in some way, at some distant day and that most forgiveness would be granted, some integrity restored, and I would have at least be given an apology. A chance to speak my mind was never given. A chance for me to hand off this weight permanently to the person it's attributed to.

I wonder if your life flashed before your eyes through blood and rain and broken glass and if so, was your last revisited memory a black and white still-framed shot of me through your rear-view mirror, fists on pavement and tears on cheeks? If so, I am so infinitely sorry for you. Sorry for all of your loose ends left undone. Now all I can imagine is what may have been implied. I'll grant you the benefit of the doubt, though not easily. In fact, it's painstakingly difficult, but I will not have you carry this burden into the next life. We are all but human.